Well: How to stop being so judgy
How to stop being so judgy
When my daughter was 3, she bolted while I was paying for groceries at the supermarket. I was fumbling for my credit card and didn't notice. For 20 long minutes, I ran up and down the street shouting her name. Some people helped me look for her. Others asked me how I'd let this happen. When I finally found her — she had walked home across seven city blocks — I vowed never to judge anyone, ever again. That, of course, didn't last very long. We pass judgment all the time, and sometimes we don't realize we've done it. Research suggests that when people see a new face, their brains decide whether that person is attractive and trustworthy within one-tenth of a second. This occurs, said Piercarlo Valdesolo, director of the Moral Emotions and Trust Lab at St. Olaf College, "when you're barely aware that you've even seen an image." But regularly condemning others can reduce your empathy, make you less receptive to new perspectives and leave you more prone to reactive responses, said Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist in New York City. And research suggests that the more you judge, the worse you feel. I asked experts for advice on how to catch yourself when you're being overly judgmental — and what to do instead. Notice when you're judging.It may require "a vigilant eye" not to shift from assessment to judgment, Dr. Hafeez said. But try to catch yourself if you're making negative assumptions based on someone's appearance or behavior, she said. Then, take a moment to "slow down and check in," she said. Dr. Hafeez recommended asking yourself: Why does this matter to me? Am I simply observing, or am I layering on my own meaning? Is my judging thought actually about this person — or is it about how I feel about myself? Explore your reaction.When we issue a chilly verdict about others, Dr. Hafeez said, it can reveal more about our own insecurities than about the other person's true character. "It's a way of trying to reassure ourselves that we're doing things 'right,'" she said. The next time you're being judgmental, turn the lens on yourself, said Erica Schwartzberg, a psychotherapist in New York City, and figure out what is prompting these feelings. Schwartzberg, for example, said that she didn't drink alcohol anymore and sometimes found herself judging others' drinking habits. "I'll think, 'Why do they need that third drink? That seems messy,'" she said. "When I pause, I realize this judgment isn't about them. It's about me," Schwartzberg said. "Watching someone else drink freely can bring stuff up and make me feel separate." Our judgments can also mask feelings like envy, which can compel us to bring a person down with condemning remarks, Dr. Valderoso said. Swap judgment for curiosity and empathy.When you're tempted to judge someone harshly, try to summon empathy for the person and to get curious about their circumstances, Dr. Hafeez said: "Question instead of presume." She recommended asking yourself: What might this person be going through? What might you be overlooking? Curiosity can help "develop compassion," Dr. Hafeez said. For example, instead of assuming that a colleague who fails to meet deadlines is careless, "question whether there are hidden factors influencing their behavior, like personal challenges," she said. When you're curious instead of judgmental, Schwartzberg added, you "make room for the complexity that lives in all of us — including ourselves." I still have to check myself when I have the gavel out. I was at my kid's band performance recently, and I was irritated by the row of parents in front of me. "All of them have been on their phones the whole time," I whispered to my friend. "Why bother coming?" "Who cares?" she whispered back. Correct. Like this email?
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